It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin

A personal body wash report. And my findings.

If you don’t already know me, I like keeping stuff clean and organized. So I am not ashamed to admit that I spend some time grooming, making myself and others feel happy to be around me. I wouldn’t it take it to metrosexual levels though. Just the standard stuff that every man should know how to do to take care of themselves. Being Metro is hard work, it takes way too much out of my “Cat Photography” time.

So over the past I’d say nine to ten years, I’ve tried many grooming products. But none so much as body washes. I’ve probably tried like over 30 different kinds. If you need help choosing one here are a few that might strike your fancy.

Every Man Jack (Citrus/Cedar) $4.99

Sold primarily through Target, this wash was pretty good. The Citrus variant definitely wakes you up on those post drink mornings. The cedarwood is just as good. Both have mini sphere scrubbers to peel away dead skin and break calluses. They leave a nice aftershower scent, but alas, the feeling is fleeting as it does fade within an hour.

Old Spice (Swagger/Showtime/Classic/RedZone/After Hours) $3.99

The veritable mans pick for a classic clean. The brand still has some tricks up its sleeve. By far, this is my default soap if I get too tired of other shitty soaps. I usually always turn to After Hours or the Hydrowash. Out of all the body washes this one has the durability to last with you the majority of the day. It smells great in and out of the shower, and its the only one I get accidental comments on. You know, the kinds of comments where you go out, and forget to spice some cologne on you, but still get comments on how great smelling you are. Those kinds. My favorite fallback kid.

Dove Men Clean Comfort Body $4.99

Probably the cleanest feeling after shower wash I’ve tried, it does make youfeel better after you use it. The problem is that it doesn’t last too long. The scent is nice if you’re a pansy. On the plus side it doubles as a body wash and face wash. But the face wash was not really the bees knees of skin care. It’s too rough. Which would destroy your face making you look like Danny Trejo in no time.

Axe Hydration $3.99

The teenage poor man’s equivalent of sophistication, is my least favorite body wash I’ve ever tried. I tried the hydration version and it was disappointing to say the least. But generally all the Axe Effect line is like that. It makes me feel cheap like a prostitute accepting a book of SaveMart coupons on discount handjob Tuesdays. During the daytime. The smell is ok if you still go to middle school. But probably my biggest gripe is that one bottle only last 2 weeks! If you value women around you, avoid this please.

Aveeno $5.99

I like how this body wash made my skin really soft after use. It’s probably because it uses a special mix of oatmeal, soy, shiitake, and something called feverfew. All sounds natural and promising. And you’d be right. The confusion though comes from the fact that its made for women, not men. Aveeno, however, insists on stocking this with the men’s cleaners trying to fool guys to buy their stuff. It smells girly, the bottle looks girly, and it just is girly. It might give you that Kenny G sensation that all men secretly fantasize about; but if a girl borrows your bathroom for a sec and finds this bottle hanging around, they might believe you’re a two timing whore. So either build a better defense against that argument or buy a different body wash.

Dial (Pheromone) $4.99

This was the last body wash I tried mainly because I’ve been avoiding it. If you look closely near the bottom on the blue ribbon, it  clearly states that this body wash has been…get this… “PHEROMONE INFUSED”.  So after not appealing to my sensitivities and giving in to my carnal instinct, I gave it a whirl. And it was amazing. The smell was on par to the Old Spice and the Kiehl’s soap. Durability was good. And I always felt clean and hydrated afterward. The one problem, albeit a small one, was that the soap is a red gelatinous color. So every time I applied it to myself, it looked as if I was bleeding from somewhere. Which sent flashbacks of Mrs. Bates. Trauma aside it’s surprisingly good. As for the pheromone claim. I asked my girlfriend if she found me more attractive after using it. She said,”No.” Yeah I didn’t think so Dial. Nice try. 

Dr. Bronner’s Castile Peppermint ($14.99)

The current hipster trade free Whole Foods favorite is more utilitarian than pampering. Mainly because it was meant for many task cleaning from carpets, to clothes, to hair, to hands. So it’s definitely good enough to wash yourself with. The castile soap works best if you’ve been doing some dirty grimy work. As a full body wash its pretty manly. While lathing up it’s really good at clodding dirt. And midway through it has a nice luxurious soapy feel but rinsing  it off leaves a gross waxy feeling. As a body wash its not too well specialized for one’s body. For everything else, it will work just fine. Such as scrubbing your dog or that ilk.

Burt’s Bees $6.99

Just as you’d expect from this brand, its really minty and icy. Like bathing in an ice vat of Altoids icy. Though from the smell of it, you wouldn’t get that impression. Overall, it was really average for a body wash. Nor lows nor highs just satisfactory. There’s better undercarriage washes out there. Stick with the lip balm.

Irish Spring ($3.99)

Remember those Irish Spring commercials where some dudes bathe in a waterfall while Irish women prance around watching? You won’t get that. Seriously kinda disappointed about that. But yet another lesson showing that commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore. But yar, the soap is good, just not great. It smells wonderful from the shower to the door, but that’s all. It was forgettable. And no man ever wants their name and those words in the same sentence.

Lush Rub Rub Rub ($17.95)

This one was always fun to play with. Yet messy if you wanted a quick rinse in the shower. But fun. Smells good and is always fetching some sort of comment. I also like that I could carry it with me when traveling. The packaging made that really easy to do. The sea salt infused soap does a great job of softening the skin, but make sure you lotion right after wards to prevent drying skin. Besides that you should be good. One caveat though, make sure you have a girl with you when you buy it, because you would look like a tool going into a Lush store alone. Or you could just internet troll it. But then life would be boring.

Baxter of California Invigorating Body Wash($13.99)

This soap was in a hotel that I stayed at in downtown L.A. the Standard. I thought it was pretty cool that they threw in this high-end stuff. It smelled good. Very light and transparent. It’s also a unisex smell, so girls can get down on this too. It moisturizes and cleans well. The whole time using it, I felt like I wasn’t showering, but instead standing on a windy hill hanging up laundry. Or at least that’s what my brian kept conjuring up. Would I buy it though? Not for $15 a pop. Maybe half of that.

Kiehl’s Ultimate Man Body Scrub Soap ($13.00)

This is the only bar of soap on this list. But it is absolutely positively the best bar of soap you could possibly spend your shiny nickels on. This is my favorite soap on this list simply because you are a better person after using it. It uses Oats and Bran (basically oatmeal) to naturally exfoliate and remove dead skin, yet its smoother than the others and conditions your skin. It never dried me out. It’s almost like you washed with soy milk or something. Its like floating on a river of puppy dog ears; it’s that soft and smooth. If you’re a scrubber, there is pumice stone mixed in there to punish calluses, so its handy that this soap comes in bar form. And that’s why I love this soap so much. It does everything you want in body washing. It’s the greatest loofah, moisturizer,  foot file, good smelling tool a guy could use. I only buy it for really special occasions. My personal fave.


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